It's not that things in general are going particularly badly or anything. I'm just kind of cranky and irritable. That's allowed, right? Especially at my age. So while things are not terrible, I do get a little het up about things sometimes.
And should anyone feel the need to point out that I myself am not perfect, let me assure you that I'm well aware of that. I'm sloppy, I'm opinionated, I have no fashion sense, I'm not funny, and I'm a terrible housekeeper. Those things notwithstanding, I still have my pet peeves, and sometimes I need to vent.
So without further ado, I bring you my list. Simple guidelines for what to do and what not to do, in the world according to me:
- Don't tailgate. Leave a safe stopping distance between my car and yours. I mean, if I have to come to a sudden stop for some reason - it happens sometimes - I'd prefer that you not rear-end me. Driving right up on my ass is not going to make me go any faster. In fact, I may slow down, just for you.
- Don't complain about speed cameras. And while we're at it - don't speed. The speed limit is what it is in any given area for a reason. The reason, in general, is safety. Aside from the safety issue, the speed limit is the law. If you choose to break the law, you should expect that sooner or later, you're going to get caught. I'm ok with the speed cameras. I don't want to be on the road with someone driving at an unsafe speed, anyway. And the bottom line - if you're not speeding, the cameras won't catch you speeding. Simple, right? To argue that it shouldn't count unless you're caught by a real live police officer is to argue that you have the right to break the law if no one's looking.
- Ladies, when you're done doing your business, get out of the ladies' room. Don't stand around chatting and squealing with your friends. I don't want to hear your conversation, and I don't want an audience while I do my business. Allow those in the stalls a little more privacy, ok? Oh, and for heaven's sake, when you are inside the stall, sit down. Nobody else wants to sit in a puddle that you left on the seat. If we all agree to sit down, we'll be fine.
- Wash your own dishes. Do it right away. I'm not the maid, I don't want to look at your mess, and I don't want to have to clean the kitchen before I can cook something. Furthermore, don't leave your dishes on the coffee table or anywhere else, particularly if they still have food on them.
- Take out the trash. Put your trash where it belongs, and when it's full, take it out to the alley. Just do it. It may not all be yours, but it's not all mine, either.
- Do not wake me up. Do not make noise while I'm sleeping. Don't ring the doorbell, slam the door, turn on the TV, turn on the radio, or call me after 10pm. I've historically had lots of trouble sleeping. Trouble getting to sleep and trouble staying asleep. You may awaken me if a) the house is on fire, b) someone is having a medical emergency, or c) you know for a fact that I am planning to go to work or catch a flight and I'll be late if I don't get up immediately. Other than that, just don't. Thanks.
- Don't wear stripper heels to work if you're not a stripper. Those tall spike-heeled pumps with the thick platforms under the ball of your foot? Those are stripper heels. I'm not a particularly conservative person, and in fact, I generally reject the idea that certain clothes are appropriate only for a specific purpose or in a certain situation. I'm ok with jeans and tshirts at work (unfortunately, the company where I work these days is not). I see nothing inherently casual about denim fabric. It's sturdy, it goes with everything, and it's usually flattering. Tank tops? Sure, no problem. Unmatching colors, whatever. Stripper heels are where I draw the line, however. They're just tacky, and if they are mainstream now, they shouldn't be.
- Don't interrupt. For myself - I don't usually talk a lot, and if I'm saying something, there's generally a reason. Besides that, interrupting is just rude. Didn't we all learn that in kindergarten?
- Closely on the heels of the last one - if we are in an audio or video conference, talk one at a time. There seems to be a general need to one-up others in business meetings, but the fact that you talk more loudly or less politely does not make your point more persuasive. In fact, if I'm on the other end and two or more people are talking at the same time, I can't really understand any of them, so whatever point is being made is lost on me.
- If you're supposed to approve something, make sure you personally understand it before you sign. Don't take someone else's word for it.
- Do what you say you're gonna do. If you say you're going to call or show up, do it. If you're unavoidably late, let me know. I know that things happen, but let me know the status so that I'm not wasting my time.
- Practice elevator etiquette. If you want to get on the elevator, let the people who are coming out come out first, then go in. If there are two of us riding on the elevator, you stay on your side, and I'll stay on mine. Don't stand in the middle like you're the only one there. Taking your half out of the middle is never cool.
- Don't crowd up to the ticket agent and try to get on the plane first if you have an assigned seat. What's the point of that, anyway? Is there one? Personally, I don't find airplane seats to be that comfortable, and I'd rather not sit in one any longer than necessary. I'd prefer not to be stampeded by a bunch of people who all want to get there first, though.
- Don't yell into the phone, please. The thing is right next to your mouth, so it's really not necessary, is it? Wherever you are, it's likely that someone else is trying to carry on another conversation, or concentrate on something else. And even if they aren't, they may not want to be a part of your conversation. Use your inside voice.
- Take just one seat for yourself. In the airport, seating is often in short supply. Your bags don't need a chair, and when you leave one open, someone else will get to sit down, too.
- Speaking of the airport - don't block the outlet with your suitcase when you're there. If you need to use the outlet, fine. Use it. But everyone else wants it, too. If you block the other space on the outlet with your bag or yourself, it just makes it uncomfortable for the next person that comes along and has to ask you to move it.
- Sit next to the person you're talking with. Yes, even if you're both guys. The people around you don't want to hear you yell across the room at each other, particularly if, God forbid, they're between the two of you.
- Couple of quickies for the Hollywood folks, not that they'll ever read this....First, when casting a musical, get people who actually sing. There are plenty out there. Second, make sure the actor playing a cellist knows how to use a bow.
And there you have it, folks. My rules. Give them some thought.
